Ask Steve

You can submit a question to me by emailing to ask@andricos.com. Just make sure that you really want to know the answer, because you can't erase the unforgiving grasp of knowledge. Like the first time you found out that the Easter Bunny, Superman, Pink, Paul Bunyan or Benjamin Franklin didn't exist.

Q: Did you write "Snakes on a Plane?"
- submitted by C. Norris, Fort Worth, Texas

A: I wish I could say yes, but I did not write the film treatment for "Snakes on a Plane." However, the movie I am most fixated on right now is the Jason Statham vehicle "Crank." Specifically, who is writing these movies for Jason Statham?

While I must admit that I liked his star-making performance as Sgt. Jericho Butler in "John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars," I'm not so sure about his follow ups in "The Transporter" and "The Transporter II." If anyone has actually seen either of these films, please write in and tell me about them. Do they really launch him into lead action star status?

And yes, I liked "Lock Stock, etc." and "Snatch" as much as the next guy. But those were primarily showcases for Vinny Jones and Jason Flemyng. And no matter how awesome the name Sgt. Jericho Butler is, you've got to remember that Ice Cube's character in "John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars" was named James 'Desolation' Williams.

James 'Desolation' Williams!!!

Q: How many holes does a chicken have?
- submitted by P. Kommissar, Gryon, Switzerland

A: There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you. And when I say you, I mean Popeye's.

Q: If you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, who would it be?
- submitted by S. Catamaran, Arlington, VA

A: My mailman. Or Kim Woo, formerly of the Daewoo Corporation.

Q: What is your fascination with black pepper?
- submittted by C. Orchendren, King's Contrivance, MD

A: Well, I celebrate all varieties of pepper. But black pepper is what the McCormick Company refers to as the invaluable spice, and I tend to agree with them.

Q: Is it true that you are working on a CD titled "Super Ego" or is that just a joke that people make about your big fat head?
- submitted by B. Speed, Triangle, VA

A: Probably a little from Column A and a little from Column B. Would it be more believable if I told you I was working on a full-length contemporary R&B album titled "Stephen Andricos: Manual Release"?

Q: Kant, in his discussions of Noumena and Phenoumena, seems to have squarely put himself on the side of the 'Dialectics'. Yet according to Hume, this kind of information, because it cannot be directly observed, would come under the category of not real information. How can we square this in the modern world?
- submitted by M. Treadwell, Burke, VA

A: This is quite a conundrum. I always thought there was something fishy about Emanuel Kant. And while we are on the topic of philosophy, I never really understood why Socrates let Plato do all his talking for him.

In short, my answer to the question 'How can we square this in the modern world?' would be 'very delicately.' Although the existentialists would have you believe that you cannot square it and it is each man's individual burden to attempt to reconcile with that fact throughout their lives.

Hope that helps! This would probably be a better question for "Dear Abby" or a similar advice column.