Dog Tattoos

I was watching some diarrheality television when I first learned about Paris Hilton's pet chihuahua Tinkerbell. She was buying lavish Chanel outfits and Dolce & Gabbana carrier cases and such for her dog. I tried to feign horror about how ridiculous this was, but I realized my family history involves some dog accessorizing. And it led me to imagineer the ultimate in pet trends: dog tattoos.

When I was little, we actually had a miniature sailor outfit for Dandy, the family's yorkshire terrier. I actually just had to re-read that last sentence and wonder how I didn't turn out homosexual (score one for nature over nuture). I thought the sailor suit was pretty funny, but he seemed to hate and it probably constituted some kind of abuse. For what it's worth, Dandy also had a camoflauge bandanna that he equally hated. He would roll around on the grass until it rubbed off, somehow instinctively realizing the camoflauge properties would make it difficult for us to find. Anyways, Paris' canine accessorizing exploits got me thinking about the next level of dog accoutrements and high fashion. The next logical step is dog tattoos.

I know the first baseless argument against this wondrous evolution will be that it is cruel and unusual punishment to subject a dog to tattooing. But isn't it equally cruel to emasculate a miniature terrier, even moreso than usual terrier standards of gender marginalization, by forcing him into a sailor costume? Just as a horse, fraternity member, or small child can withstand branding, I believe that dogs can accept the tattooing process as a formative and even therapeutic experience.

The real question is which dogs would gravitate towards which tattoos?

- Some dogs seem to be natural fits for armband or legband-styled tattoos: A bulldog with a barbed wire armband, an Irish Setter with some generic/custom-designed celtic armband, etc.

- Vapid women (with no discernable far eastern heritage) will get their lap dogs tattoos of ancient asian symbols, which they are told mean "longevity" or "integrity," but are probably just gobbledygook or something demeaning.

- Creative types could personalize the whole affair, and create their own designs that fit with their dog's personality. I'm thinking something along the lines of "I Love Toilet Water" on the forehead, or maybe an "I Did It" tatt right over the rear end.

- Even dogs with a lot of hair could get in on the fun. Imagine a French Poodle, with a large section of hair shaved off of her midsection to reveal a tastefully drawn Mao Tse Tung face.

At this point, the most important thing is to take the first step. That is why I am sharpening my personal tattooing skills in order to open a legitimate dog tattooing boutique. The first twenty customers will get complimentary PETA tattoos.